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So You Think...

Political Musings from Clay and Iris
Featuring the (Mom) and Pop Up Quiz

Are you tired of the government making personal decisions for you? When I was watching the news and trying to figure out what it meant to have the government bailout those large incompetent greedy companies, I thought about how I would spend the 700 billion dollars. I know how I would spend 80 million dollars because I have felt the need to make plans in case I win the lottery. I figure I’ll have about 40 million after taxes because I’m not able to spend taxpayer money in any Willy Nilly way. (What did Willy and Nilly do to deserve such a negative legacy?) Anyway, I plan to pay my taxes so that leave me with about 40 million. The first thing I would do is buy a place for all my friends mothers to live. It would like an assisted living facility only there would be wonderful food and entertainment. The staff would treat the mom’s and dad’s (if they lived as long as the mom’s) with respect and courtesy. There would be no talking to them like they were children and they would be able to put salt on their food. There would be a bus to take them to the theater, movies and out to eat—even if they had to go in a hospital gurney. And there would be full time competent nursing care for those who could no longer be independent. We could probably get a genius grant from the some company because this would be an innovative experiment – if we needed additional funding. Oh, and yes eventually the children would occupy the house – that is just the reality. But aging might as well be luxurious and entertaining instead of bleak and humiliating


That is the public service piece of how I would spend the money. Moving on to the fun part. I would buy a house in Italy—I am especially fond of Umbria and Verona but it’s a country where you can’t get a bad meal (except in a few tourist places near the Mediterranean). It has to be a villa big enough to house at least ten couples, (with everyone having their own bath – and although I would never invite ten at a time you never know what kind of entertaining you might want to do that would require overnight accommodations. The kitchen would have a pizza oven as well as the kind of equipment that, God forbid you couldn’t go out for dinner, you could still have a great meal. Of course there would be a pool as well as a mineral bath fed by natural warm springs, tennis courts, a pitch and putt course, movie theater, bowling alley (for friends from New Jersey) and a massage therapist on duty 24/7. There would have to be a private plane for travel to and from anywhere in the world but I think leasing per trip makes much more sense. I don’t need to have a car with a driver on staff but it would be nice to have someone available for trips to the city – any city. I would spend like the CEO of some big corporation .

It would be awfully nice to have someone to do my laundry, clean my house, fudge my taxes and take my car to be inspected. but those are things I don’t have to have won the lottery to do. I need to learn to think bigger. OK I’ve got it. Since there will be no money left in the US treasury to fix education, implement an adequate health care plan, help single mothers—who decided to have their kid -- (Palin line item vetoed that in Alaska so I don’t think we can count on much assistance from that side of the aisle), work on programs which create opportunity for women or continue to fight many more wars (that’s a good thing), I could use my lotto winnings to create a national lotto where the winner would be a social program rather than a person. It would be like what they do on American Idol only different. Here people could buy a ticket for $1 and if they won, they would donate that money to the government program of their choice. Yes, I agree that if some people would be reluctant to just turn that money over to the government ... maybe it’s not such a great idea. How about if we look at the last ten years and pass a law that any CEO who has been compensated well above what they deserved (I’m happy to make that decision or we can all agree on a number, say 6 million—that’s pretty generous), has to give that money back to the taxpayers, or even the shareholders of the company they raided, or they can pick a social program but it can’t be their country club. Even if they started a foundation to help children—I don’t care if they help with a disease (after the bailout there won’t be any money left for research grants), or education or health issues, just as long as they invest in helping this country become a better place instead of buying extravagant houses, private planes, and absurdly opulent parties. They are not allowed to have benefited from the fact that they appointed their Board of Directors and the Board of Directors determined what that their severance would be millions of dollars in overgenerous compensation.

Which brings us back to how I would spend the piddly little $80 thousand I didn’t win. Actually, when I was working in my first political campaign my salary was $50 a week, which they never paid me so I asked them to raise it to $100 – which they also didn’t pay me. There it is again, I wasn’t thinking big enough. I’m going to change that right now and as long as I didn’t win 80 mil, I might as well not have won 700 billion dollars – which I could also spend in much more reasonable and thoughtful ways than the people who have been in charge and are responsible for this devastation. The first thing I would do is buy a place for all our aging mothers and fathers... It’s like the “Song That Never Ends”.


Click HERE for the
So You Think
blog archive...
Who's Talking: John Kerry, Newt Gingrich, P.J. O'Rourke, Dave Barry, Tom Oliphant, Senator Bob Kerrey, Randy Wayne Wright, Mike Peters, Donna E. Shalala, Dr. Allan Jacobson, Steve Daley, Linda Peek-Schacht, The Naked Cowboy
What People Are Saying:
"This book is a must read for all 100 United States Senators planning to run for President. Of course that's an exaggeration. All 100 of us are already running for President. And we can all use Iris Burnett's wit and insight. So You Think You Can Be President? is required reading not just for those of us who have had the audacity to ask ourselves that question, but for everyone."
Senator John Kerry, Presidential Candidate '04

"At a time when presidential campaigns have become too dull and the news media too negative, this book brings back the humor in thinking about politics and government—Mark Twain would have loved it."
Newt Gingrich, author of the New York Times best-selling novel Pearl Harbor and Real Change: From the world that Fails to the world that Works

“A brilliant book that also solves the budget deficit. If presidential candidates have to pass this test, there will be a vacant McMansion on Pennsylvania Avenue. And do you know what houses like that are going for in Washington these days?"
P.J. O'Rourke author of On the Wealth of Nations & Peace Kills

"I've been running for president since 1984, and I was a total failure. Then I read this amazing book, and today I am the leader of the free world! At least that's what I tell people in bars."
Dave Barry Humorist, Novelist and author of Dave Barry’s History of the Millennium (So Far)

"This triumph of a tome is what would happen if the most brilliant nerd of a political consultant were to write a strategy memo after taking acid for a week – which all of them should do anyway. I haven't had this much fun since I was at the Stones' concert in Memphis in 1975 and passed out after Honky Tonk Woman. Iris is a muse you can use!"
Tom Oliphant author of Utter Incompetents: Ego and Ideology in the Age of Bush, and the best selling book Praying for Gil Hodges: A Memoir of the 1955 World Series

"Self delusion binds all sane human beings together. It keeps us off street corners predicting the end of the world. The DNA of Presidential candidates instructs us to be slightly more delusional. It keeps us in New Hampshire predicting victory. Iris and Clay broke the code."
Senator Bob Kerrey President of the New School, and former Presidential Candidate

“Any book that suggests me as a Supreme Court Justice is a winner. I'd remove the blindfold from the Scales of Justice statue, equip the lady with night vision goggles, and put a bat in her hand. Clay Greager and Iris Burnett for President."
Randy Wayne Wright author of Dark Light and the best-selling Doc Ford series

"Mother Goose insisted that Grimm take this test and his scores were amazing—so he's going to decided to continue not to be interested in anything, start numbers of unsuccessful businesses, and hire Karl Rove and he feels sure he can be the next President. Mother Goose will, of course, be Secretary of State."
Mike Peters, Pulitzer Prize winning cartoonist

"A stunning, sunny book. It may attract a new breed of presidential candidate: one with a sense of humor."
Donna E. Shalala, former US Secretary of Health and Human Services
"Socratic dialogue anyone? Sometimes the right question can just change your life. Well, probability's on your side with this provocative little book that has more moral and philosophical questions than I had to answer in 25 years of schooling (or 35 years, if you give extra credit for Hebrew school). Whether it helps you to pick the right party, first lady, chief of staff, or position on drug benefits for seniors remains to be seen, but it'll undoubtedly convince you that you may have the stuff to be the next leader of the free world (or at least play the role believably in a TV mini-series)."
Dr. Allan JacobsonFormer Husband, Professor and Chair, Department of Molecular Genetics and Microbiology, University of Massachusetts Medical School

"No one who intends to shamelessly pander to the frigid citizens of New Hampshire or waste the best years of their lives trooping around Appanoose County, Iowa should be without this book. If Ross Perot had read this book, well, never mind..."
Steve Daley, former political reporter for The Chicago Tribune, and notable Washington political consultant

"All current and future Presidential aspirants: Put Iris Burnett on speed-dial! Her unvarnished and practical advice stands out in a field dominated by poll-tested pablum. She'll make you laugh all the way to the White House"
Linda Peek-Schacht, Chair, Department of Political and Organizational Communication, Emerson College

"This book introduces us to all the foolishness in government without being foolish, but still being very funny. It's an important read for anyone who cares about the future and exposing the truth. And trust me if anyone knows about exposure it's me."
The Naked Cowboy, Robert John Burck, writer, musician, entertainer and The Naked Cowboy
Iris & Clay
Iris Burnett is the first and only woman to have been Director of Security for a National Political Convention. With over thirty years' experience in politics, government, and entertainment, she has played key roles in eight Presidential campaigns, been an advisor to two Presidents, and served in high level positions in both Presidential administrations. She has also been a senior communication strategist for far too many campaigns and elected officials. She believes the real key to success in campaign politics, is always maintaining a sense of humor.
 
Clay Greager, a two-tour Viet Nam vet, successful business owner, and renown author, philosopher and poet has suffered the consequences of too many Presidential decisions. Through it all he has maintained his unending sense of humor. After having voted 47 times in the past six presidential general elections and sending several thousand emails to potential candidates asking for a simple answer to a simple question "Why does two plus two equal four" and not getting one response, he is hopeful that the candidates are literate -- but won't know til they take the test.
News, Links & Reviews:
• Storch Report's new website looks great. See the the So You Think review here: DonStorch.com: Columns/Opinion/Satire
• Conch Color this week here...
• Southernmost Resorts...
<- Conch Color page here, or download the full PDF here: Conch Color
• Solares Hill...
• The timing for this humorous book from Skyhorse Publishing, New York, couldn't be better for all those presidential hopefuls... I just hope the finalists, (and the voters), have the good common sense to read this new book and at the same time inject some humor into their campaigns as Iris and Clay have put into their book. Read the Storch Report review here...
• We're Just Sayin' Blog Link...
• Press Release here...
• Real Women, Real Voices blog review...
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