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Let Us Not Leave Any Candidate Behind

By Don Storch

We have FCAT's to get out of high school and SAT's to get into college, but we have no test to get into the White House.

As voters shouldn't we be more demanding of our presidential candidate’s qualifications to run for the highest office in our land?

I have always been perplexed casting my ballot for the lesser of two evils.

And now, for the first time, there is a solution -- it's Iris Burnett and Clay Creager's new book, "So You Think You Can Be President," which contains 200 questions, with narration, to determine if you are right (or left) enough to be the next commander in-chief.

And, who better to give a testimonial for the book, but John Kerry, who says right on the cover "Required Reading," -- and he knows, for he was left behind.

The timing for this humorous book (available 01.08.08), Skyhorse Publishing, New York, couldn't be better for all those presidential hopefuls, that will be narrowed down to two, in the longest and most boring nomination campaign this nation has ever seen.

I just hope the finalists, (and the voters), have the good common sense to read this new book and at the same time inject some humor into their campaigns as Iris and Clay have put into their book.

Iris, according to the book jacket, claims to be the first and only woman to have been Director of Security for a National Political Convention.

I don't quite know what that means or what significance it has, but she has over 30 years experience in politics, and government and entertainment, played key roles in eight Presidential campaigns, an advisor to Presidents, and was a communication strategist to numerous elected officials.

I don't know Iris, but I do know Clay.

I have met him at his Key West tee shirt shop just off Duval, across from Sloppy Joe's Bar. He's got nice stuff and a philosophy on life that you do not want to miss.

To say Clay's a character is an understatement. He's a thinker, author, philosopher and poet, all of which is based upon a lifetime of experiences from being a coal miner in Shamokin, Pa., and a Vietnam veteran, who served two tours of duty as a helicopter gunner.

His military service was so respected by the higher command; he was invited to the change of command ceremonies of Generals governing the Iraqi war in Tampa.

His harrowing experiences in Vietnam, allow him to philosophize that, "contrary to popular opinion, life is not a dress rehearsal."

Although the authors should not overshadow the content of the book, their photo reflects the satire that runs throughout the book. He in a multicolored shirt that reflects the Key West lifestyle, both in their red bow ties, she looking professorial, and both with glasses dangling from the end of their noses.

The book opens with the question, "Who am I?"

Then follows with an anonymously written story that has appeared on the Internet:

"A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job.

"He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

"The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars."

While the book is interspersed with multiple choice questions, which help the candidates select the right choices to project their image, it also contains narration such as:

"The image the public sees of the President is very, very important. While one who chooses to rule the world must be a leader, it is necessary for them to display intellectual ability, compassion and mundane qualities to which all Americans can relate. This is especially true when it comes to hobbies and personal sporting activities. Due to embarrassing past examples like hitting golf balls into public viewing areas, falling off bicycles, overdoing a love for exotic foods and then throwing up in public, and shooting people, you need to be careful in your choices."

An example of the multiple choice question a candidate must answer:

"By law, you have to leave office after two terms. But what if you could create a loophole that would allow you to stay longer? Which of the following would you opt to do?

·         "Declare a national state of emergency so you could stay on as Commander in Chief during this crisis. Something like you discovered that Texas had nuclear weapons and was planning on seceding and becoming a state in Mexico.

·         "Announce that you have a terminal illness and you want the 'Make the Wish Foundation' to grant you one more term in office.

·         "Get involved in a World War, surrender to the enemy with the condition that you remain in control with the title Ayatollah Big Dog.

• "Have one of your covert operatives get access to the Test for Presidency and have him modify it so absolutely no one else could qualify. Then without any other qualified candidate you'll have to stay in office until they find one (Which could take decades, as long as your operative keeps modifying the test.)"

Iris and Clay have put together a very timely and entertaining book, which should be read by candidates and voters alike, for after all we wouldn't want to leave anyone behind. And, that's THE BOTTOM LINE. -30-

11.11.07

To pre-order autographed copies email ClayGreager@aol.com